Good Russian proverb.

От сумы и от тюрьмы не зарекайся.

Currently

• Nashville is much bigger than I expected. Pretty though. Everyone here seems to love it.
• Tobias is wonderful. I think we will get along well. I kind of like the whole German practicality and responsibility thing.
• I enjoy bananas.
• Some small things are much more meaningful than other big things. Really.
• I can feel. That is nice.
• People care. I love Americans :)
• I rode next to a mormon guy on a plane. He was pretty cool. They only have ONE wife. I asked.
• I don't think love is supposed to be easy, but I do know it's not supposed to be a struggle. --- thanks Deric <3
• Bars are so fun in a right company. I might have had the most fun in the bar EVER last night. No kidding. We played darts and hung out and had a few drinks. I had long island ice tea, tequila sunrise, bloody mary and grasshopper. Wow I just realized I had a lot O.o
• I cannot wait for Germany. And for Graduate school. Time to start studying the language.
• Oh... life is so wonderful!
• Well except the school part. I am so ready for a break. I get depressed in those walls now. Well except when I am hanging out with my friends and Dr. Pearson :)

On happiness, love and choices.

Clinging to a feeling of happiness
How fleeting it is.
Happy one moment, unhappy next
One can  not grasp that feeling
But only can make a choice
And be happy or sad.

Same is love.
How do we know who is right for us?
We never do.
Why do we feel in love?
We make a choice to feel
One way or another.

I chose to give you my love
And chose to be taking yours.
One day we chose to stop
And be angry and upset
Choices we made
We may or may not regret.

I will be your friend
Once I let go of anger;
Forgive myself and forget.
Promises will be forgotten
And that we broke them as well,
Until then I can't.

Emotionless

I think I temporarily lost my ability to feel. I guess it is nice. Very easy and relaxing.
How was it in the Sex and the City (the god-awful-terrible show that chicks watch)..?

"Maybe you are only allotted a certain amount of tears per one man and I have used up mine."

I believe it is also the case that you are only allotted a certain amount of emotions every month/year. I used all of mine up on March 8th.

Just realized that it was the National Women Day in Russia on that day too.

When one door closes many more open :)

Here is what I needed for a while

I put it on my computer background. I had to battle my urge to call/message/text Shane. Luckily don't have to anymore :) I made the picture on the photoshop myself. I thought it was pretty good. But I feel I am over it now.

Positive thought

Of all the relationships you will ever have only one may not end in a break up.

Unless they die on you.

Without...

Some people have to work very had for the things they have. I didn't work nearly hard enough to have all the things that I have.  However it doesn't mean that I don't do my best. I worked as hard as I can, but there are many wonderful people, without whom  I would not be where I am.

Of course without my dad, I would not be going to school here, would not own the house, would not be able to afford it.

Without my mom, I would have never thought of trying to go to school here.

Without my host family, I would not have enough courage to move here, would not be able to own this house, in the very basic sense. I would not be able to have someone to help me fix things when I need it and support me when I need it most.

Without my brother and sister, I would not have amazing conversation partners, who understand and give advice without judging.

Without my friends, I would never get all the support and help that I have. I love my friends.

Another steal from my sister ;)

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

Me and you.

I don't fall in love easily. To me it has always been a long painful process, when I tried and tried to find that special someone. I would put time and effort into getting know someone, just to go on a date and find out I am as close to liking them, as liking a cockroach. What's wrong with me? I hate attention from most guys, I get annoyed easily, I don't even like talking to most of them.

And then I fell in love. It wasn't perfect, it was very unperfect, actually. It was a lot of fighting, not talking to each other, breaking up, making up... And I still was in love. We went though the "times of joy and the times of sorrow" and that all was making us closer, or at least it made me feel so.

He felt otherwise though. To him I was being annoying now, he hated attention from me and didn't even like talking to me. I was upset. He got angry. I got more upset. He got angrier. We broke up.

Who knows if that's the right choice or not.

I hope it is.

Drunken notes

Todd and I had a small psychotherapy section about 4 AM around his 10th-12th beer and my lonely glass of Bloody Mary. It proved to be very useful and I enjoyed it.
(also in the morning I feel hung over after one glass and he is fine, what's up with that?)
I was taking notes. Pathetic? Maybe.

I have already in my hungoverness tossed the notes in the laundry basket and had to go fish them out. Here they are:

• I miss Shane right now, but it is not necessarily because I love him. It is called separation anxiety. And the only way to find out if I love him is to wait and see if I still miss him. My mom is saying the same thing. She said I was able to fall in love so quickly in Arkansas, which means I don't love Shane. But I don't think I was in love with Deric. I just enjoyed his company. And gave it up for Shane. So maybe I do love Shane.
• "Fight, don't break up." - that is like discovering America for me. It never occurred to me couples can just have big fights and it is not necessary that I end a fight in a break up immediately. We should be able to have BIG fights and get over them, if we are a good couple.
• Almost all men have anger problems and I need to understand it if  I want a good relationship.
• All women are emotional and Shane needs to understand it if he wants any of his relationships to work out.
• I additionally have a crying disorder.
• Todd and Courtney have similar fights when Todd is being a jerk to Courtney. And they constantly have to compromise.
• When I cry Shane doesn't understand why I am doing it. He thinks I want to make him feel bad. So he can't enjoy himself  at Daniel's completely because he thinks I am depressed. I end up making Shane feel bad over nothing.
• I need to figure out completely  why I cry so easily.
• Shane is not ready for a relationship like I want it. He just wants to hang out and spend time with his friends not worrying about anything.