Is it ever worth it?

You

You are not your job, you are not your college degree, you are not your addictions, not your family, not your past, not your significant other, not your house, not the language you speak, not your money, not the city you live in. You are just you.

Falling, yes I am falling.

I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, she's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we've met

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling me back again

It does.

Hanging with Cameron.

I am very honest. This little piece is a good proof of it:

Me: See, I have been down this road before. And we both know how well that worked. After all do you really want your stuff scattered all over my backyard?
Cameron: Well I don't have a trampoline.

Hahahaha. He is cool. What I like about him is that he is excited about things. He is excited about life. He texted me one day : "I just found baby mice in my back yard. They are super cute!!!" That made me smile. When I am around him, I feel like I am a teenager again, maybe even younger. It's nice.

Nice...

"This time it was different. There were no revelations.There were no answers to the life questions handed down to me. There was no fear. There was no giggling. This time there was just a calm realization that things will be okay eventually. There was just happiness."

Me: Oh hi Trevor. I am writing you a email.
Trevor: Cool! I like your warnings. Like I have a bad heart or something. Sometimes I pass the fuck out when I get a email in my inbox.

Good Russian proverb.

От сумы и от тюрьмы не зарекайся.

Currently

• Nashville is much bigger than I expected. Pretty though. Everyone here seems to love it.
• Tobias is wonderful. I think we will get along well. I kind of like the whole German practicality and responsibility thing.
• I enjoy bananas.
• Some small things are much more meaningful than other big things. Really.
• I can feel. That is nice.
• People care. I love Americans :)
• I rode next to a mormon guy on a plane. He was pretty cool. They only have ONE wife. I asked.
• I don't think love is supposed to be easy, but I do know it's not supposed to be a struggle. --- thanks Deric <3
• Bars are so fun in a right company. I might have had the most fun in the bar EVER last night. No kidding. We played darts and hung out and had a few drinks. I had long island ice tea, tequila sunrise, bloody mary and grasshopper. Wow I just realized I had a lot O.o
• I cannot wait for Germany. And for Graduate school. Time to start studying the language.
• Oh... life is so wonderful!
• Well except the school part. I am so ready for a break. I get depressed in those walls now. Well except when I am hanging out with my friends and Dr. Pearson :)

On happiness, love and choices.

Clinging to a feeling of happiness
How fleeting it is.
Happy one moment, unhappy next
One can  not grasp that feeling
But only can make a choice
And be happy or sad.

Same is love.
How do we know who is right for us?
We never do.
Why do we feel in love?
We make a choice to feel
One way or another.

I chose to give you my love
And chose to be taking yours.
One day we chose to stop
And be angry and upset
Choices we made
We may or may not regret.

I will be your friend
Once I let go of anger;
Forgive myself and forget.
Promises will be forgotten
And that we broke them as well,
Until then I can't.

Emotionless

I think I temporarily lost my ability to feel. I guess it is nice. Very easy and relaxing.
How was it in the Sex and the City (the god-awful-terrible show that chicks watch)..?

"Maybe you are only allotted a certain amount of tears per one man and I have used up mine."

I believe it is also the case that you are only allotted a certain amount of emotions every month/year. I used all of mine up on March 8th.

Just realized that it was the National Women Day in Russia on that day too.

When one door closes many more open :)

Here is what I needed for a while

I put it on my computer background. I had to battle my urge to call/message/text Shane. Luckily don't have to anymore :) I made the picture on the photoshop myself. I thought it was pretty good. But I feel I am over it now.

Positive thought

Of all the relationships you will ever have only one may not end in a break up.

Unless they die on you.

Without...

Some people have to work very had for the things they have. I didn't work nearly hard enough to have all the things that I have.  However it doesn't mean that I don't do my best. I worked as hard as I can, but there are many wonderful people, without whom  I would not be where I am.

Of course without my dad, I would not be going to school here, would not own the house, would not be able to afford it.

Without my mom, I would have never thought of trying to go to school here.

Without my host family, I would not have enough courage to move here, would not be able to own this house, in the very basic sense. I would not be able to have someone to help me fix things when I need it and support me when I need it most.

Without my brother and sister, I would not have amazing conversation partners, who understand and give advice without judging.

Without my friends, I would never get all the support and help that I have. I love my friends.

Another steal from my sister ;)

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

Me and you.

I don't fall in love easily. To me it has always been a long painful process, when I tried and tried to find that special someone. I would put time and effort into getting know someone, just to go on a date and find out I am as close to liking them, as liking a cockroach. What's wrong with me? I hate attention from most guys, I get annoyed easily, I don't even like talking to most of them.

And then I fell in love. It wasn't perfect, it was very unperfect, actually. It was a lot of fighting, not talking to each other, breaking up, making up... And I still was in love. We went though the "times of joy and the times of sorrow" and that all was making us closer, or at least it made me feel so.

He felt otherwise though. To him I was being annoying now, he hated attention from me and didn't even like talking to me. I was upset. He got angry. I got more upset. He got angrier. We broke up.

Who knows if that's the right choice or not.

I hope it is.

Drunken notes

Todd and I had a small psychotherapy section about 4 AM around his 10th-12th beer and my lonely glass of Bloody Mary. It proved to be very useful and I enjoyed it.
(also in the morning I feel hung over after one glass and he is fine, what's up with that?)
I was taking notes. Pathetic? Maybe.

I have already in my hungoverness tossed the notes in the laundry basket and had to go fish them out. Here they are:

• I miss Shane right now, but it is not necessarily because I love him. It is called separation anxiety. And the only way to find out if I love him is to wait and see if I still miss him. My mom is saying the same thing. She said I was able to fall in love so quickly in Arkansas, which means I don't love Shane. But I don't think I was in love with Deric. I just enjoyed his company. And gave it up for Shane. So maybe I do love Shane.
• "Fight, don't break up." - that is like discovering America for me. It never occurred to me couples can just have big fights and it is not necessary that I end a fight in a break up immediately. We should be able to have BIG fights and get over them, if we are a good couple.
• Almost all men have anger problems and I need to understand it if  I want a good relationship.
• All women are emotional and Shane needs to understand it if he wants any of his relationships to work out.
• I additionally have a crying disorder.
• Todd and Courtney have similar fights when Todd is being a jerk to Courtney. And they constantly have to compromise.
• When I cry Shane doesn't understand why I am doing it. He thinks I want to make him feel bad. So he can't enjoy himself  at Daniel's completely because he thinks I am depressed. I end up making Shane feel bad over nothing.
• I need to figure out completely  why I cry so easily.
• Shane is not ready for a relationship like I want it. He just wants to hang out and spend time with his friends not worrying about anything.

Just a good day

I heard from the Germans today :) From the University of Bochum to be exact. They ranked me their number 1. Now it is just up to DAAD program to place me there.

I already measured the distances to:

Mindy - 2 hours
Lena - Less than an hour
Paris - 5 hours
Lille - 3 hours

I am sooo excited!

I really hope Shane will get in as well!

Oh and here is the place where I will hopefully get to spend the summer. I didn't take it,

Bochum

I love

I love genuinely kind people. They are so awesome. And there are so few of them. And I wish I was one.

Stole it from my sister.

Doubt is the rust of life. Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive.
So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

English essays

I have to write a narrative for my English 112 class. We had to read a few samples. Every single one of them either describes a near death experience, deep philosophical enlightening that happened to someone, an emotional experience that shook the base of a person's existence or a combination of three.

I have never been on a verge of death.

I have not been philosophically enlightened enough to write about it.

And I really don't like re-living tragic emotional experiences.



I am writing my essay on how I flew the plane with my dad in the cockpit when I was five years old.  It was fun :)

You can not.

You can not expect one relationship to satisfy all your communication and interaction needs. And no I am not talking about dating multiple people at once. I am talking about developing and maintaining deep and meaningful relationships with one's family and friends.

I feel like I am dissolving in my relationship with Shane. Not completely my fault though. My best friend Natalya moved to SC, my sister (and best friend) Mindy is in Europe, my best friend Lena is in Germany, Jazmin, who I grew really close to over 10 weeks and who is also surprisingly one of the most awesome friends I have had, is in Arkansas. Trevor left, Anjan left, my mom, my dad, my brother are all so far away. I miss them all so much.

I love Shane. I love hanging around him. But I need to be with someone else at times. Like I used to go out with Natalya or Mindy, or even friends I used to have in college. And I don't don't don't want to be that girlfriend who only has her boyfriend for her friend.

I want, I need a female friend. A shopping companion. A go-out-for-dinner and chat buddy.
Or a gay guy. That would work too.

There isn't much to choose from though. I am the only girl in most of my classes.
And I don't really have much in common with most girls I meet.

Yea, thats it.

Pizza!!!

 Here is the wonderful recipe I found and it is delicious:

Crust:
2 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
3/4 c. water
1/4 c. vegetable oil

Preheat the oven to 425 F. Mix flour, salt and baking powder. Add water. Knead the dough. Roll out into a pizza-like shape. (Shane and I tried to make it a square or a circle, but it ended up being a rectangle with rounded corners). Put some vegetable oil with just fingers on top of it. (We used the oil with spices already in it). Put some basil, oregano and whatever else might taste good on pizza on the crust.

Bake the crust for 5 minutes.

Take it out of the oven and put pizza sauce, cheese, stuff (tomatoes, mushrooms, pepperoni, ham, green onions, green peppers, whatever else might taste good), cheese on the crust. Sprinkle Parmesan on the outside of the crust. Bake the pizza for 15-17 minutes :)

Wonderful

 I woke up to a kiss today. 

I love it. It feels so good.

 I feel much more inclined to get out of bed, than when I wake up to the annoying sound of the alarm. It went off three times today without me hearing it. Unless Shane made it up.

I also talked to my mom and my brother yesterday and my dad and I seem to have established email communication, so I am finally in touch with my whole immediate family. Yay to that.

Also I finally did the laundry last night. It feels good not waking up to a bedroom with a pile of clothes in the middle. I just need to finish it up today. And I need to clean out Simba's litter also. It is  hard to breathe in the laundry room.

As a side note, Shane and I  made the world's best pizza. I found the recipe on cooks.com. It is a yeast free dough and it only takes about half and hour to make the whole pizza (including baking time). That's less time than ordering pizza at pizza hut. We made bread sticks also. I will put a photo up with a recipe next time we make it. You will see it's good. 
I also wrote my English paper. Seven pages describing my flying adventures. Now I need to write my history paper only. I think that's what I will do, since there is really nothing else to do at work today.
(*Instead I am talking to my sister. Time well spent*)

Thankful (in no particular order)

1. Being here
2. My supportive families
3. Wonderful brother Oleg and sister Mindy
   
4. Most wonderful man in the world
   
5. My dad's job
6. My job at school
7. My house, despite all the problems with it
   
8. Knowing how to speak and write English, Russian and French
9. My cat Simba
   
10. Being able to create
11. Understanding math and science
12. My very few girlfriends, who are wonderful nevertheless
    
13. People I met because of physics
14. My summer REU program in Arkansas
15. Electric blanket
16. Emotions
17. Trust
18. Photography
19. Natural light
20. Summer, lakes, mountains
21. Impressionists
22. Being healthy
23. Board games
24. Google
25. Books
26. Harry Potter
27. Traveling everywhere 

And to brighten my day even more....

My daddy just sent me money for school. Wonderful.

Yesterday.

We are back to normal.

Just like we are supposed to. Thanks blogger for accommodating my thoughts when I need it, because sometimes retrieving them is a wonderful thing.

As an occasional passer-by might guess from the previous post, Shane and I broke up. I don't want to write about details, because they aren't that important. I actually thought I was okay with it. A week in DC with Jazmin... and I was feeling fine. When Todd and Courtney picked me up at the train station - still fine. I did feel a little lonely hanging out with two couples that night, but most likely was too tired to be upset about it.

Next morning Shane came over to help me fix my truck, since as a single person, I needed my own mean of transportation (actually it would be nice to have one even when I am not single, but that's beyond the point). Long story short - we couldn't fix it. Too many things are wrong it. I had fun hanging out with Shane. We talked, laughed, he took me out to a new Japanese place. It was a great day. He left to go back to Ciesielskis later that evening.

I tried working on my homework and distracting myself in other ways. But it didn't help. I called Shane a couple times "to talk". I tried reading my blog. (I don't do it often). I came across something I wrote on December 13th. I understood how I feel, or at least how I felt then.

I called Shane and told him I am going to send him that blog. I felt like I needed to share. He read it and said he'd call me back. He called me back 20 minutes later. During those 20 minutes with a large amount of mental work, I was able to somewhat figure out what I really want. I wanted to be with Shane. I tried to write down all my thoughts as bullet points (here is the technical side of me). While talking to him on the phone I read them all to him. We talked for a while.

He finally said: "OK, I gotta go inside now. It is cold out". I started crying.

"Can't you just drive over here?" I asked

"I don't know" he answered

"Please..."

Then I heard someone was opening the front door. Todd and Courtney are back, I though. Now they will see  me all crying and upset, ugh. Slowly I realized the sounds coming from Shane's phone matched the ones coming from my front door. I still was doubting. The door opened and Shane walked in.

I don't think happy is the right word to describe how I feel. I felt more than that, far more.I ran up to Shane, gave him a hug and he kissed me.

It was wonderful.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

“Men argue for their right to be free, women argue for their right to be upset.”

Security

I feel a lot more secure now. I was scared the most of Shane breaking up with me. Now that it happened, and I am still “alive and kicking” nothing, absolutely nothing, can hurt me.

It actually didn’t hurt that bad this time. At least so far it has been much better than it was over the summer. I am not sure why. Maybe because it is still up in the air and I still think there is a possibility for me to cuddle up to Shane and kiss him good night. Or maybe because I just don’t care anymore. Or maybe I care, but learned to contain it within myself over the summer.

I have talked about all of it. I talked to Natalya, Jazmin, Amanda. It is nice to have girl time - I don’t get a lot of it normally. I have been told by them that I am not a crazy bitch for wanting to be with my man and that’s good enough for me.

Outdoors

I am such an outdoors person in the summer. I love to run, swim, play games. I can’t stand staying inside. And everything is so beautiful outdoors too!

But in winter…

Jazmin and I walked through Chicago yesterday to find the pizza place, because she wanted to try some Chicago-style pizza. The place was only half an hour away from the train station, but we had to make a bunch of stops in the convenience stores along the way, just to warm up. I realized that no matter what I wear, my nose will always freeze since it sticks out so far from my face.

So in winter I am definitely an indoors person. Fireplace, homework and hot cocoa = the best combination :)

Simba's master

Jazmin: My cat sometimes likes to lay on my chest, leaving her hair all over me  
Anya: Simba only likes to lay on Shane's chest. Especially when we wake up in the morning.  
Jazmin: He probably perceives Shane as his master. He thinks he is Shane's.  
Anya: Yea, because I left him for few months while Shane was still there.
Jazmin: Boy, is he in for a surprise when Shane moves out.

Trevor

Trevor came over tonight. That was great. Kinda sucked that I was crying for the whole day before, but I bet he wasn’t able to tell. Good conversation and many laughs as usual. I actually feel less depressed now. I wish I could talk more to him about things like we used to. He always seemed to be able to get more common sense into me.