I guess...

... i would have gone crazy if i had to live here all the time.

University of Michigan - Physics

My mom just came up to me with a t-shirt. It said University of Michigan - Physics. I had it since 2003. Back then : 1. I had no clue I was going to go to U of M 2. I could never even suppose I would decide to study physics. I HATED it with passion. No kidding. I got this t-shirt when my High School Calculus class went on a field trip to Ann Arbor. We toured the school and got free t-shirts. I know it might all be just a conicidence. But as Einstein said "God does not play dice". I feel that I found my path. Like Carlos Castaneda calles it " a path with heart". I have never enjoyed learning about anything else, as much as I enjoy learning about Quantum Physics. Well maybe reading about Napoleon Bonaparte, but I think I can consider him my childhood crush (: So maybe I again see something because I look for it and it IS just a coincidence. Or maybe it really is my path with a heart, that I got to follow and I was just getting clues earlier. Who knows?

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe.

Have you ever had a nightmare? You get fired from work, have a monster chasing you, or fall down from the skyscraper. At some point of time you get extremely scared and then - wake up. Why do you get scared though? Nothing can happen to you - you are laying in the comfort of your bed. However, while you are asleep you think everything you see is real. Now once you wake up you know everything is real. But didn't you think everything was real in your dream? Get it? Well maybe, just maybe our life is just a long complicated dream. Way more complicated than the dreams we see. Zigmund Freud wrote that our dreams are but a mirror of our subconcious, so what if the reality is nothing but a distorted mirror of our consious. All you the experiences your subconcious has during the day become a part of your dream. Therefore in a way everything you consiously think of, dream of, are afraid of, eventually comes true. The fact that life is just a dream is maybe the reason why Buddha called his enlightment the awakening, when he realised that there is undying happiness, attainable through human effort. Does it seem similar to your thoughts when you wake up from a nightmare and say "Oh, I am so glad it is just a dream". ? Now one main question here might be If it is MY dream, does it mean that everything is here only because I want it to be? What about other people? That gets a little complicated now. It is your dream, but other people are IN it also, so we all create the reality together. In other words - you can do anything you want as long as it won't make other people lose their mind. You can fly! But seriously - if you will jump of the roof of your house and start flying, it will damage other people's brains and their perception. So that is why you can't fly. [dont try] Now all I want to say to any, who had enough patience to read through that and though something like "omg this girl is crazy" - that is just one of the theories I have. There are many many more =] So maybe I AM crazy. Love, Me

About me.

So just as one of my friends V, I got disappointed in the Facebook/Myspace type "About me" sections. Seriously, who reads them anyways? If I look at the profile of someone I don't know and their "about me" is more than 10 lines long, I don't read it. We have to admit it. Most of us (me included) are not that great of writers and reading somebody's attempts to be creative might be a little dreadfull, not gonna lie. I like reading "About me"'s of people I know well, regardless of quality and size. But then again, if I say that I know those people well, I should know by now the information they put in the public profile. So, obviously, I am not the audience this "About me" should be directed towards. You get the point. People who know you, know whatever you write in your "About me" even before you write ot. People who don't know you, probably won't have enough patience to read through your lengthy description of your personal qualities, fears and achievements, and the short "About me"'s aren't going tell them anything anyways. I guess I am overanalyzing everything again. I will write more later.

In case you are wondering...

which you are not.

...but as I am bored and its 2 am I will write it here. The deal is - I finally figured EXACTLY what I want to do with my life.

So here is the brief plan:

-Next two years or so I will spend studying physics at the University of Michigan - Flint. I will be tutoring, doing some reasearch, and getting myself ready for GRE.

-Then I think I will get married to someone who will have similar interestt and will be my colleague throughout my research.

- Once I am done, I will go to Grad school. I am thinking West Coast, but that might change. I am going to study Quantum physics.

-My doctorate is going to be on the connection between quntum physics, philosophy and religion. I already have them all connected in my mind, I just don't have enough knowlendge to actually put it all in words.

-My dissertation will be the base of a book, I will write.

-Once I have my sweet PhD, I am going to start Teaching and doing research. I am going to work at CERN at some point of time and teach in some school in France.

- That is when me and my hubby decide to have kids.

-I am going to live in france for about 2 years.

-Eventually I am going to go to Nepal and live there for a while.

-I will travel aroud the world and teach.

-Eventually I will come back to US and then I will discover something a-mazing.

-When I am about 45 I will get a Nobel Prise. Maybe earlier.

Now I am only sure about the bold parts.

My summer.

So as of recently my summer in Russia has been pretty good. No skydiving this time though - I am saving money. To be 100% honest though - I spent first two weeks here doing absolutely nothing. Like NOTHING AT ALL. Feels sorta weird. I got used to being busy and doing stuff. But it felt nice and was what I planned for. All I do here in hang out with my family, Lena and couple other friends. I feel too lazy to call anyone else and tell them, that I am here to hang out. After all I dont really miss any of them. I guess I always kind of knew I wasn't going to stay here in Russia for long, so I haven't even attempted to make any close friends over two years I lived here. So basically all people I see now are the friends I had back in Tashkent, who also moved to Moscow at some point of time. Lena and I as an example have been friends since we were eight. I have also met Gaiane and Roman back in Tashkent about five or six years ago. Lena was over at my house this weekend. And we spent pretty much the whole time talking. Oh I love talking to her. How cool is it to have someone continue your thoughts and think about the same exact things at the same exact moments. We talk about all different stuff, quantum physics, our old classmates, life in Russia and abroad, religions, pranks we played on teachers back in middle school, philosophy, the existence of god, good and evil, psychology, time, universe, dumb jokes, our friends, eh anything basically. This last week I stayed over at Lena's for few days. We watched "Down the Rabbit hole" and "The secret". These two movies together with the NOVA's "Elegant Universe" series, the book "TAO of Physics", which I am reading now, and my conversations with Lena and Anjan, finally helped me form my own view on the way world works. I mean I used to try to associate myself with a certain religion or philosophy. Throughout my childhood and teenagerhood I considered myself Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, Agnostic. Now I think that any predefined religion or philosophy does is nothing but putting mind in a cage and setting limits for it. Any human is perfectly capable of breaking this cage and setting his mind free. You don't have to be a buddhist to get to Nirvana and you dont have to worship all Hindu gods of you agree with some of their postulates. You dont have to be an atheist, if you don't agree with the Christian list of deadly sins. Just choose whatever you want to believe in, whatever makes sense to you and seems rational, because that is how you can achieve harmony with yourself. I am not going to write anything on what I believe in. Whatever makes sense to me might or might not make sense to everyone else. Just like when I say that my native city is Tashkent, Russia, people who know geography will try to correct me. I know that Tashkent isn't in Russia. But that is the way I feel. It makes sense to me and some of my friends I grew up with. That is the way we feel. But I digrass. Back to my summer. I am going to the black sea with my family and couple friends in few days and then, hopefully, I am going to Holland. Peace.

Let's go running.

I want to run. Like we used to, remember? When we didnt care if we are the only people running outside in January. When I couldn't stop laughing, because you were making me. You would tell me that Burger King has the best Cinnamon rolls. Or we would discuss Harry Potter at length. You told me you hated running with passion and only ran because of me. Me too. I hate it also. I was only running because you were. Then we went to that little diner. You drove. You wouldn't ride with me after that time we went to Qdoba and I almost killed us. You ordered hashbrowns and I had a fruit salad. And we talked. You asked me who I liked. I told you. And I asked you not to tell him. And I knew you never would. I miss you. Let's go running.