Inside out, outside in.

Is it ever worth it?

2010-04-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

You

2010-04-17T16:54:00.000-04:00

You are not your job, you are not your college degree, you are not your addictions, not your family, not your past, not your significant other, not your house, not the language you speak, not your money, not the city you live in. You are just you.

Falling, yes I am falling.

2010-04-14T17:15:00.000-04:00

I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, she's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we've met

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling me back again

It does.

2010-04-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

Hanging with Cameron.

2010-04-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

I am very honest. This little piece is a good proof of it:

Me: See, I have been down this road before. And we both know how well that worked. After all do you really want your stuff scattered all over my backyard?
Cameron: Well I don't have a trampoline.

Hahahaha. He is cool. What I like about him is that he is excited about things. He is excited about life. He texted me one day : "I just found baby mice in my back yard. They are super cute!!!" That made me smile. When I am around him, I feel like I am a teenager again, maybe even younger. It's nice.

Nice...

2010-04-02T01:07:00.001-04:00

"This time it was different. There were no revelations.There were no answers to the life questions handed down to me. There was no fear. There was no giggling. This time there was just a calm realization that things will be okay eventually. There was just happiness."

Me: Oh hi Trevor. I am writing you a email.
Trevor: Cool! I like your warnings. Like I have a bad heart or something. Sometimes I pass the fuck out when I get a email in my inbox.

Good Russian proverb.

2010-03-29T11:50:00.001-04:00

От сумы и от тюрьмы не зарекайся.

Currently

2010-03-26T08:26:00.000-04:00

Nashville is much bigger than I expected. Pretty though. Everyone here seems to love it.
Tobias is wonderful. I think we will get along well. I kind of like the whole German practicality and responsibility thing.
I enjoy bananas.
Some small things are much more meaningful than other big things. Really.
I can feel. That is nice.
People care. I love Americans :)
I rode next to a mormon guy on a plane. He was pretty cool. They only have ONE wife. I asked.
I don't think love is supposed to be easy, but I do know it's not supposed to be a struggle. --- thanks Deric <3
Bars are so fun in a right company. I might have had the most fun in the bar EVER last night. No kidding. We played darts and hung out and had a few drinks. I had long island ice tea, tequila sunrise, bloody mary and grasshopper. Wow I just realized I had a lot O.o
I cannot wait for Germany. And for Graduate school. Time to start studying the language.
Oh... life is so wonderful!
Well except the school part. I am so ready for a break. I get depressed in those walls now. Well except when I am hanging out with my friends and Dr. Pearson :)

On happiness, love and choices.

2010-03-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

Clinging to a feeling of happiness
How fleeting it is.
Happy one moment, unhappy next
One can not grasp that feeling
But only can make a choice
And be happy or sad.

Same is love.
How do we know who is right for us?
We never do.
Why do we feel in love?
We make a choice to feel
One way or another.

I chose to give you my love
And chose to be taking yours.
One day we chose to stop
And be angry and upset
Choices we made
We may or may not regret.

I will be your friend
Once I let go of anger;
Forgive myself and forget.
Promises will be forgotten
And that we broke them as well,
Until then I can't.

Emotionless

2010-03-17T18:29:00.000-04:00

I think I temporarily lost my ability to feel. I guess it is nice. Very easy and relaxing.
How was it in the Sex and the City (the god-awful-terrible show that chicks watch)..?

"Maybe you are only allotted a certain amount of tears per one man and I have used up mine."

I believe it is also the case that you are only allotted a certain amount of emotions every month/year. I used all of mine up on March 8th.

Just realized that it was the National Women Day in Russia on that day too.

When one door closes many more open :)

2010-03-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

Here is what I needed for a while

2010-03-11T07:11:00.003-05:00

I put it on my computer background. I had to battle my urge to call/message/text Shane. Luckily don't have to anymore :) I made the picture on the photoshop myself. I thought it was pretty good. But I feel I am over it now.

Positive thought

2010-03-10T07:14:00.000-05:00

Of all the relationships you will ever have only one may not end in a break up.

Unless they die on you.

Without...

2010-03-07T18:08:00.001-05:00

Some people have to work very had for the things they have. I didn't work nearly hard enough to have all the things that I have. However it doesn't mean that I don't do my best. I worked as hard as I can, but there are many wonderful people, without whom I would not be where I am.

Of course without my dad, I would not be going to school here, would not own the house, would not be able to afford it.

Without my mom, I would have never thought of trying to go to school here.

Without my host family, I would not have enough courage to move here, would not be able to own this house, in the very basic sense. I would not be able to have someone to help me fix things when I need it and support me when I need it most.

Without my brother and sister, I would not have amazing conversation partners, who understand and give advice without judging.

Without my friends, I would never get all the support and help that I have. I love my friends.

Another steal from my sister ;)

2010-03-07T15:41:00.003-05:00

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

Me and you.

2010-03-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

I don't fall in love easily. To me it has always been a long painful process, when I tried and tried to find that special someone. I would put time and effort into getting know someone, just to go on a date and find out I am as close to liking them, as liking a cockroach. What's wrong with me? I hate attention from most guys, I get annoyed easily, I don't even like talking to most of them.

And then I fell in love. It wasn't perfect, it was very unperfect, actually. It was a lot of fighting, not talking to each other, breaking up, making up... And I still was in love. We went though the "times of joy and the times of sorrow" and that all was making us closer, or at least it made me feel so.

He felt otherwise though. To him I was being annoying now, he hated attention from me and didn't even like talking to me. I was upset. He got angry. I got more upset. He got angrier. We broke up.

Who knows if that's the right choice or not.

I hope it is.

Drunken notes

2010-03-02T09:06:00.004-05:00

Todd and I had a small psychotherapy section about 4 AM around his 10th-12th beer and my lonely glass of Bloody Mary. It proved to be very useful and I enjoyed it.
(also in the morning I feel hung over after one glass and he is fine, what's up with that?)
I was taking notes. Pathetic? Maybe.

I have already in my hungoverness tossed the notes in the laundry basket and had to go fish them out. Here they are:

I miss Shane right now, but it is not necessarily because I love him. It is called separation anxiety. And the only way to find out if I love him is to wait and see if I still miss him. My mom is saying the same thing. She said I was able to fall in love so quickly in Arkansas, which means I don't love Shane. But I don't think I was in love with Deric. I just enjoyed his company. And gave it up for Shane. So maybe I do love Shane.
"Fight, don't break up." - that is like discovering America for me. It never occurred to me couples can just have big fights and it is not necessary that I end a fight in a break up immediately. We should be able to have BIG fights and get over them, if we are a good couple.
Almost all men have anger problems and I need to understand it if I want a good relationship.
All women are emotional and Shane needs to understand it if he wants any of his relationships to work out.
I additionally have a crying disorder.
Todd and Courtney have similar fights when Todd is being a jerk to Courtney. And they constantly have to compromise.
When I cry Shane doesn't understand why I am doing it. He thinks I want to make him feel bad. So he can't enjoy himself at Daniel's completely because he thinks I am depressed. I end up making Shane feel bad over nothing.
I need to figure out completely why I cry so easily.
Shane is not ready for a relationship like I want it. He just wants to hang out and spend time with his friends not worrying about anything.

Just a good day

2010-02-16T17:49:00.003-05:00

I heard from the Germans today :) From the University of Bochum to be exact. They ranked me their number 1. Now it is just up to DAAD program to place me there.

I already measured the distances to:

Mindy - 2 hours
Lena - Less than an hour
Paris - 5 hours
Lille - 3 hours

I am sooo excited!

I really hope Shane will get in as well!

Oh and here is the place where I will hopefully get to spend the summer. I didn't take it,

Bochum

I love

2010-02-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

I love genuinely kind people. They are so awesome. And there are so few of them. And I wish I was one.

Stole it from my sister.

2010-02-15T12:14:00.002-05:00

Doubt is the rust of life. Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive.
So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

English essays

2010-02-01T11:55:00.001-05:00

I have to write a narrative for my English 112 class. We had to read a few samples. Every single one of them either describes a near death experience, deep philosophical enlightening that happened to someone, an emotional experience that shook the base of a person's existence or a combination of three.

I have never been on a verge of death.

I have not been philosophically enlightened enough to write about it.

And I really don't like re-living tragic emotional experiences.

I am writing my essay on how I flew the plane with my dad in the cockpit when I was five years old. It was fun :)

You can not.

2010-01-27T19:29:00.001-05:00

You can not expect one relationship to satisfy all your communication and interaction needs. And no I am not talking about dating multiple people at once. I am talking about developing and maintaining deep and meaningful relationships with one's family and friends.

I feel like I am dissolving in my relationship with Shane. Not completely my fault though. My best friend Natalya moved to SC, my sister (and best friend) Mindy is in Europe, my best friend Lena is in Germany, Jazmin, who I grew really close to over 10 weeks and who is also surprisingly one of the most awesome friends I have had, is in Arkansas. Trevor left, Anjan left, my mom, my dad, my brother are all so far away. I miss them all so much.

I love Shane. I love hanging around him. But I need to be with someone else at times. Like I used to go out with Natalya or Mindy, or even friends I used to have in college. And I don't don't don't want to be that girlfriend who only has her boyfriend for her friend.

I want, I need a female friend. A shopping companion. A go-out-for-dinner and chat buddy.
Or a gay guy. That would work too.

There isn't much to choose from though. I am the only girl in most of my classes.
And I don't really have much in common with most girls I meet.

Yea, thats it.

Pizza!!!

2010-01-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

Here is the wonderful recipe I found and it is delicious:

Crust:
2 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
3/4 c. water
1/4 c. vegetable oil

Preheat the oven to 425 F. Mix flour, salt and baking powder. Add water. Knead the dough. Roll out into a pizza-like shape. (Shane and I tried to make it a square or a circle, but it ended up being a rectangle with rounded corners). Put some vegetable oil with just fingers on top of it. (We used the oil with spices already in it). Put some basil, oregano and whatever else might taste good on pizza on the crust.

Bake the crust for 5 minutes.

Take it out of the oven and put pizza sauce, cheese, stuff (tomatoes, mushrooms, pepperoni, ham, green onions, green peppers, whatever else might taste good), cheese on the crust. Sprinkle Parmesan on the outside of the crust. Bake the pizza for 15-17 minutes :)

Wonderful

2010-01-18T10:43:00.012-05:00

I woke up to a kiss today.

I love it. It feels so good.

I feel much more inclined to get out of bed, than when I wake up to the annoying sound of the alarm. It went off three times today without me hearing it. Unless Shane made it up.

I also talked to my mom and my brother yesterday and my dad and I seem to have established email communication, so I am finally in touch with my whole immediate family. Yay to that.

Also I finally did the laundry last night. It feels good not waking up to a bedroom with a pile of clothes in the middle. I just need to finish it up today. And I need to clean out Simba's litter also. It is hard to breathe in the laundry room.

As a side note, Shane and I made the world's best pizza. I found the recipe on cooks.com. It is a yeast free dough and it only takes about half and hour to make the whole pizza (including baking time). That's less time than ordering pizza at pizza hut. We made bread sticks also. I will put a photo up with a recipe next time we make it. You will see it's good.
I also wrote my English paper. Seven pages describing my flying adventures. Now I need to write my history paper only. I think that's what I will do, since there is really nothing else to do at work today.
(*Instead I am talking to my sister. Time well spent*)

Thankful (in no particular order)

2010-01-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Being here
My supportive families
Wonderful brother Oleg and sister Mindy
Most wonderful man in the world
My dad's job
My job at school
My house, despite all the problems with it
Knowing how to speak and write English, Russian and French
My cat Simba
Being able to create
Understanding math and science
My very few girlfriends, who are wonderful nevertheless
People I met because of physics
My summer REU program in Arkansas
Electric blanket
Emotions
Trust
Photography
Natural light
Summer, lakes, mountains
Impressionists
Being healthy
Board games
Google
Books
Harry Potter
Traveling everywhere

And to brighten my day even more....

2010-01-11T11:14:00.002-05:00

My daddy just sent me money for school. Wonderful.

Yesterday.

2010-01-11T11:09:00.002-05:00

We are back to normal.

Just like we are supposed to. Thanks blogger for accommodating my thoughts when I need it, because sometimes retrieving them is a wonderful thing.

As an occasional passer-by might guess from the previous post, Shane and I broke up. I don't want to write about details, because they aren't that important. I actually thought I was okay with it. A week in DC with Jazmin... and I was feeling fine. When Todd and Courtney picked me up at the train station - still fine. I did feel a little lonely hanging out with two couples that night, but most likely was too tired to be upset about it.

Next morning Shane came over to help me fix my truck, since as a single person, I needed my own mean of transportation (actually it would be nice to have one even when I am not single, but that's beyond the point). Long story short - we couldn't fix it. Too many things are wrong it. I had fun hanging out with Shane. We talked, laughed, he took me out to a new Japanese place. It was a great day. He left to go back to Ciesielskis later that evening.

I tried working on my homework and distracting myself in other ways. But it didn't help. I called Shane a couple times "to talk". I tried reading my blog. (I don't do it often). I came across something I wrote on December 13th. I understood how I feel, or at least how I felt then.

I called Shane and told him I am going to send him that blog. I felt like I needed to share. He read it and said he'd call me back. He called me back 20 minutes later. During those 20 minutes with a large amount of mental work, I was able to somewhat figure out what I really want. I wanted to be with Shane. I tried to write down all my thoughts as bullet points (here is the technical side of me). While talking to him on the phone I read them all to him. We talked for a while.

He finally said: "OK, I gotta go inside now. It is cold out". I started crying.

"Can't you just drive over here?" I asked

"I don't know" he answered

"Please..."

Then I heard someone was opening the front door. Todd and Courtney are back, I though. Now they will see me all crying and upset, ugh. Slowly I realized the sounds coming from Shane's phone matched the ones coming from my front door. I still was doubting. The door opened and Shane walked in.

I don't think happy is the right word to describe how I feel. I felt more than that, far more.I ran up to Shane, gave him a hug and he kissed me.

It was wonderful.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

2010-01-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

“Men argue for their right to be free, women argue for their right to be upset.”

Security

2010-01-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

I feel a lot more secure now. I was scared the most of Shane breaking up with me. Now that it happened, and I am still “alive and kicking” nothing, absolutely nothing, can hurt me.

It actually didn’t hurt that bad this time. At least so far it has been much better than it was over the summer. I am not sure why. Maybe because it is still up in the air and I still think there is a possibility for me to cuddle up to Shane and kiss him good night. Or maybe because I just don’t care anymore. Or maybe I care, but learned to contain it within myself over the summer.

I have talked about all of it. I talked to Natalya, Jazmin, Amanda. It is nice to have girl time - I don’t get a lot of it normally. I have been told by them that I am not a crazy bitch for wanting to be with my man and that’s good enough for me.

Outdoors

2010-01-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

I am such an outdoors person in the summer. I love to run, swim, play games. I can’t stand staying inside. And everything is so beautiful outdoors too!

But in winter…

Jazmin and I walked through Chicago yesterday to find the pizza place, because she wanted to try some Chicago-style pizza. The place was only half an hour away from the train station, but we had to make a bunch of stops in the convenience stores along the way, just to warm up. I realized that no matter what I wear, my nose will always freeze since it sticks out so far from my face.

So in winter I am definitely an indoors person. Fireplace, homework and hot cocoa = the best combination :)

Simba's master

2010-01-03T23:10:00.001-05:00

Jazmin: My cat sometimes likes to lay on my chest, leaving her hair all over me
Anya: Simba only likes to lay on Shane's chest. Especially when we wake up in the morning.
Jazmin: He probably perceives Shane as his master. He thinks he is Shane's.
Anya: Yea, because I left him for few months while Shane was still there.
Jazmin: Boy, is he in for a surprise when Shane moves out.

Trevor

2010-01-01T02:11:00.000-05:00

Trevor came over tonight. That was great. Kinda sucked that I was crying for the whole day before, but I bet he wasn’t able to tell. Good conversation and many laughs as usual. I actually feel less depressed now. I wish I could talk more to him about things like we used to. He always seemed to be able to get more common sense into me.

ah, that was nice.

2009-12-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

“You are the only person that I care about and I wish that you felt the same way about me.” -Shane, back in July

New Years

2009-12-31T10:32:00.000-05:00

Shane and I are still not sure what we are doing for the New Years. Not that it bothers me. It does suck that ALL of my friends are not in Michigan, so we really don’t have any options. Here is the list of people I would LOVE to bring in the New Years with, but I can’t.

My family (but they are in Russia)
Mindy (in the Netherlands)
Lena (in Germany, actually Prague currently)
Natalya and Marc (in SC)
Todd and Courtney (in WI)
Jazmin, Silas, Ben etc. (who are in Arkansas)

It’s okay though. Shane is still here, so at the very least it will be two of us.

2009-12-30T23:29:00.000-05:00

I am a physics major. I do enjoy the problem solving part of it. But I wish I was a little more patient and had more talent so I could be an artist. I love to draw, to take photos, to fool around with photoshop. I have tried to take up drawing so many times, but physics ends up taking over my life and I never have time to draw. This starry night took me over a year to finish. (Actually I only worked on it only for 3 days out of this year and I just finished it yesterday) I will put up a picture later.

Date night

2009-12-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

Shane and I and Stephen went on a date night today. Honestly no one referred to it as a date night, but that’s pretty close to one. We make a cute triple, I guess. We watched Sherlock Holmes, which while confusing the hell out of me for the first 1.5 hour, finally made sense in the last 10 minutes and turned out to be a good movie. After the movie we went to McDonalds to get ice cream.

Now Shane and Stephen are playing Rockband and I am doing this, while waiting for laundry to be done.

Badass?

2009-12-29T15:14:00.002-05:00

I went out with Shane and Stephen couple days ago. We ate at a restaurant. Then we got some drinks, cigars, hookah tobacco. I spent a bunch of memory space on my camera trying to get a photo of Shane looking badass. I have one photo of my father like that. He sits at our kitchen table, surrounded by expensive alcohol with a cigar in his mouth. He looks like he can kick anyone’s ass.

With Shane the badass picture did not turn out that great.

I am not sure what it is though. One of those maybe.

Cheap booze vs. expensive wine
Glasses?
Running shirt vs. maroon robe. Actually that might be it
Age?

Meh. Who cares anyways.

Shane and Stephen are at Goodwill right now getting suits. Maybe in a suit or a trench coat with a pipe and a hat, my boyfriend will overbadass by father.

I am pathetic.

Life

2009-12-13T00:54:00.004-05:00

I decided to write another post that no one besides maybe myself will ever read. Yep. Just a "my life" update. I am almost done with school. One semester left. I really can not wait for the next semester. So many exciting things are coming my way. I get to (hopefully) take FRN 309. That will be great. I hope to bring my french back to the level I was at 5 years ago, where I can talk. I will also be in Visual arts class which will be very fun (or I hope so) . Shane and I were together for over a year now. (I believe almost a year and 3 months). That is very exciting and is going to be our first Christmas together. (I was gone last year) He is pretty much the greatest guy I could ever ask for and we get along great ( most of the time ). We both have changed a lot since we first started dating and it is definitely for the better. I learned to be more patient about a lot of things and so did he. We have a lot in common, though we do have some different interests. I am more of visual arts person, he is more of music person. But that's only makes it better. By the way, I love that he plays guitar. That automatically makes him at least 20 times more badass :) We have a lot of fun together and I feel very close to him. Maybe the closest I have ever been to anyone. I can trust him with everything, much more than I trust myself. Today we went to a Christmas party with few of my friends from high school. That was a lot of fun and the fact that Shane was there made it only better. He makes the best jokes without even intending to. It was great. As we were driving back I was thinking about how much I love him. I believe he is the man of my dreams and I know that whatever happens we will be together. I love you Shane Paul White, more than anyone ever <3

Here. I can post whatever surveys I want and it wouldnt annoy anyone :D

2009-12-04T11:11:00.002-05:00

Is the last person you texted single? I don't rememeber when was the last time I texted Do you get jealous easily? I think so Are you wasting your time on the person you like? I hope not What are you currently waiting for? Christmas and next semester Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Future Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you too? Yes, why would i say it otherwise Who were the last people you saw besides from family? People in the computer lab If something was wrong who would be the first girl you'd go to? Natalya or Jazmin, too bad they are both down south. I need to move. Who's thinking about you right now? Maybe my mom Is this year the best year of your life? It been good. Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis? Nope. I want to since it makes my skin look better in the short run and gives me skin cancer in the long run. What are you currently listening to? Nothing Does your bedroom need cleaning? Yes. My whole house does. Do you act differently around the person you like? No, since we've been living together for over a year it would be real hard. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yes. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? A few. Do you like thunderstorms? Not really. How fast does your mood change? Pretty fast. Are there things that can't be joked about with you? Not really. What do you always take with you? Nothing. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more? Yes Do you crack your knuckles? Yes Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? Not really. They seem dangerous. Does anyone know your passwords besides you? Shane used to up until I had to change them. Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks? Yes What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a girlfriend? Try to not like him. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Energy drink I bet you miss somebody right now? Yes Do you get high a lot? No, i don't. Is there someone you can tell anything to? Shane, Jazmin, Natalya At this moment in time if you HAD to have someone's name tattooed on you, whose would it be? My mom's and dad's Has anyone called you perfect before? Yes. hahahahahahahahaha. Do your best friends parents like you? Lena's do. Have you ever been on a motorcycle? Yes with Shane. Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't? Not really. What's worse: liars or cheaters? you can't cheat without lying can you? Does it matter if your boyfriend / girlfriend smokes? YES What's usually colder, your hands or your feet? Hands Do you think two people can last forever? Yes Is there someone that cares about you more than themselves? My mom Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader? No Do you ever cry during romantic movies? I used not to but now I do all the time Do you always answer your phone? I need to start Who was the last person you had a sleepover with? Shane, Todd and Court since they all live at my house Are you ticklish? YES What were you doing an hour ago? at work

Back

2009-07-10T11:35:00.009-04:00

Look back in time - it's not that red shifted
In their eyes on that old picture.
Stacking the blocks, which do not fit
All falls apart at a slightest wind.
Picking up pieces, trying their best,
Building a castle, which they know will not last.
Exchanging the thoughts, sharing the dreams
They wrote their song, now it's time to leave.
Look he is smiling - forgotten feeling,
She is not crying, that can not be real.

Playgrounds

2009-06-27T04:59:00.007-04:00

Shane and I went to Flushing Park and played on swings. It was right before I was about to leave for the weekend. It was also 4 days before we decided to start dating.

We went to Elms Park and played on swings and playground. It was few days before I had to leave for the summer and 4 days before we broke up.

So I guess it is game. It started on a playground and it ended there as well. Just like hide-and-go-seek or cops and robbers. Boyfriends and Girlfriends (?). Ha.

Well at least it was a fun game and I sure wouldn't mind playing it again.

Summer 2009

2009-06-24T22:52:00.007-04:00

So I have been making lists of the all the fun things I did in Summer 2007 and Summer 2008. I figured I will start early on 2009, before I forget...

~*Internship, studying space and making money
~*Caving for the first time in my life. Devil's Den = Great
~*Going to Mars, aka Western Oklahoma with the fun group of people
~*King's Island with my sister, Shane and Dan and getting a terrible sun burn
~*Aquarobics and Rock Climbing!
~*I started RUNNING!!! 5.5 miles so far!
~*Bars and dance clubs!
~*Texas trip and all the "seductive" pictures by me and Jazmin.
~*Me being VERY middle-schoolish :D
~*Going to the lake with Jazmin, Deric and Silas and eating delicious cooking by them.
~*Mountain view weekend
~*Fireworks with Deric's uncle
~*The most beautiful cave. It was so great.
~*Jumping of 30-feet cliff with Deric and Silas. That lake was the best.
~*Stargazing with Deric and Matt
~*Floating down the Elk river with really cool people. Twice.
~*Eureka. And the weird Jesus statue.
~*Hey, my man....
~*Party back home with physics kids
~*Russia and hanging out with family and friends

Imagine by John Lennon

2009-06-24T22:40:00.004-04:00

Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Myself

2009-06-09T23:46:00.005-04:00

I talked to Trevor the first week I was on REU here. Well talked is not an exact description of what was I doing. I complained to Trevor about how much I missed everyone and how lonely I was here. He said: Lonely is a part of REU! You will get to learn about yourself. No large group of friends to cloud your thoughts, just you. I was skeptic about it. I learned all I needed in 3 days I was away from Michigan. All I wanted was just for this REU to be over, so I could go back to my friends. Now it has been almost three weeks. And these three weeks have been great. I sure do miss everyone a lot, but I did learn a lot about myself, my ex-relationship with Shane and my friends. First and I think most important thing I learned was that I am my own person, or I may have just remembered it. (I guess all girls say something like that after break up, haha). But seriously, up until May 25th, everything I was doing, I was doing with Shane, unless he hated it, like shopping. I wouldn't even do anything unless I talked to him before. It wasn't that he would have a problem with me doing my own thing, it was that I didn't want to do it. Here it is all different. I get to do things that I want to do, pretty much when I want to do them. I have tried a lot of things that I would have never tried back in MI. I fell in love with rock climbing, went into caves and took a fitness class. I started RUNNING. Seriously Anya and running never got along before. I ran 5.5 miles! I guess I could have been running with Shane back in MI, but I always felt like I would slow him down or disrupt his experience in some way. Here it is just me and my ipod. And yea it took me an hour to run those 5.5 miles, but I did it. Second was that I am not as shy as I always thought myself to be. I met a bunch of new people just couple weeks ago and maybe it is just that we live together, but I did feel comfortable about them from day two. Amazingly enough it took me almost a semester to start feeling comfortable around my friends from home (Trevor, Anjan, Todd, Courtney, Shawn). Third is that I love my friends from home. They have been very supportive during my first couple weeks, which would have been so much harder without them. I have enjoyed so much our long phone/chat conversations, because I felt like I was participating in some way in their lives, while I had them to tell about my adventures here. I miss all of them a lot and my friends, and Simba are the reason why I still want to go back to MI, from all this fun here. Those of you who know me well, probably know that I am extremely self-conscious. I always have something wrong with my body, my hair, my face whatever. But I think I found the way around it. I started to work out, so now I feel like I look better every day and I decided that it is time for me to start getting haircuts regularly. I have been quite satisfied with the way I looked in the past couple weeks and I am extremely happy about it. (I know it is not about the outside and the true beauty is on the inside, but outside is important as well). I believe those are the important things I learned for now, Thank you, Trevor, Have a good day, whoever reads it.

Simba

2009-03-31T10:03:00.002-04:00

Is the greatest cat that ever lived :)

He likes to bite and throws up hairballs,

But still he is amazing.

He purrs really loud and has nice fur.

And his tail is the greatest.

And I love Simba.

I had him since he was few weeks old.

He was a cute kitty.

He has his own facebook page as well.

You can add him if you want to. His name is Simba Kashkanov.

love.

2009-02-27T12:57:00.002-05:00

I have had multiple crushes. I've liked some guys. I liked few of them a lot. I even thought I was in love. But that was nothing like what it is now. Every day I spend with Shane makes me happy. He makes me a better person, and I would love to be able to do more for him. I can never think of things to do though. He is amazing. All I want to try my best and make him happy.

YOU, ME, US

2008-12-20T05:22:00.005-05:00

I may be an amazing person, or a horrible one. You may be great or terrible as well. And being one or another is pretty important in life. But it is less important in relationships. Because relationships arent just about you and me. They are about US. The way we fit together and have fun.

I was just thinking....

2008-11-24T01:49:00.002-05:00

My linear algebra class from Fall 07 has been amazing. Not the class itself, just all the people in it. I just wish we all KNEW each other back then. ....

A line...

2008-10-28T16:51:00.004-04:00

...from a great poem. Habit is given us by heaven's bequest: It is almost as good as happiness. A.S. Pushkin, "Eugen Onegin"

I feel...

2008-09-30T16:57:00.002-04:00

I feel warm. Like laying in the sun. When it is not hot, more like fall.

I feel happy. Like the grass. When it still grows and enjoys the sun.

I feel calm. Like the leaf. When it is red or orange and lays on the ground.

Summer '08

2008-09-15T18:09:00.004-04:00

So here is a short report. Summer was again amazzin!

Camping.
My 21st birthday.
Moscow walks with Lena, Dima and my uncle.
Going to Nijniy Novgorod for 2 great days on a HUGE truck.
30 hours on the bus to get down south.
Black sea = pure happiness.
Swimming at night, during storm.
Four wheeling in the mountains.
Motorcycle and scooter ridin'
Jeeping.
Holland to see Minday.
ALMOST missing my plane to Amsterdam - that was pretty fun.
Museums in Amsterdam.
Eftelink.
Flying first class =D
Coffee shops, ah those famous coffee shops :)
Beautiful Russian churches.
Super Nintendo with my brother - I can't resist Donkey Kong country :)
My new sweet camera
Going to Sochi - where the olympiad 2014 is going to take place at.

That's it.

Maybe I will remember some more.

Love.

Comebacks

2008-09-15T17:40:00.006-04:00

She poured water in the teapot.
- I think we should try to save water and shower together. - he said.
- Great idea... But we might stay there longer though. So there will be no savings overall.

He ate Ramen Noodles for dinner.

- If you don't care about environment, would you like to do it just for fun? -he said with a big smile and continued, - It always, takes me a while to think of a comeback. All the brilliant things I should have said come to my mind later.

She drunk her cup of tea.
-I think we should practice on each other - she said.
-What? I think I am pretty good at showering.
-No! Not showering. Comebacks.

Then she washed the dishes.

My major

2008-09-05T13:58:00.002-04:00

When I told my brother I switched to physics, he said: "You don't like physics. You just want to be around guys all the time". I tried to argue at first. However the more I think about it, the more I realise that it had to do with my decision. I want to be around SMART guys. Meeting Trevor, Anjan, Shawn and Tim definetely had to do with my change of major. I just realised that working in physics will put me around people like them. And the more new physics majors I meet, the more I understand that I like this kind of people. That's it.

Let go

2008-09-03T16:39:00.004-04:00

It seems so easy at first. Day, night, talks, laughs. I kept on telling myself it was nothing but a summer romance.

We said our last good byes before I left.

On the way back, I could not get the song out of my head.

It is plain and simple. Written by one of the guys I know.

She kissed me slowly

Underneath the willow tree

And my knees began to get weak

On that night we

Drove out to see the bay

Before we had to say

Our last good byes.

Do you remember?

Walking in the sand?

Holding hand in had?

Sleeping for two whole days and

Waking up to Sunrise?

Just to be,

You and me

Those are my favorite memories?

Time passing slow,

And now that I am not far away,

And I wish thatI could come back home

To lay beside you

For one more day

We could talk about

Our good and bad

The times we shared

And the memories we had.

Honey.

2008-08-24T18:11:00.008-04:00

Haha. Please. Please stop it. Stop tickling me. Man. Hahaha. Stop. You. Know. You better stop. Otherwise. It might end badly. You are on my territory. Please stop! No one knows where you are. Well maybe My family does - but they will help me anyways. You may scream. Our house is kinda far. Nobody will possibly hear anything. I told you that I really liked you. I told you you were great. I think you just MIGHT be delicious. As well.

Over.

2008-08-12T18:04:00.002-04:00

Now they are over

The kisses and sights,

All things are different

In everyday life.

Why didn't time stop,

Just for you and me?

That 's all we wished for.

On the beach by the sea.

I felt it slow down,

When we shared last night,

Under the stars,

On the rocks, sight by side.

Black sea

2008-08-12T00:25:00.004-04:00

So I wrote that on my way home from black sea, because we were on the bus for 30+ hours and it was very boring.
Palm trees and mountains,
Leisure all day,
Storm on the sea,
And nice queit bay.

Dances and parties,
Wine, chacha, beer,
Rocks on the beach,
That became very dear.

All days are similar,
Still never the same,
Breakfast, sea, tanning,
Dinner, card game.

Walking the city,
Back to the sea,
Supper, then phone call,
He is waiting for me.

Going to bars,
Talking, kissing, cocktails,
Then to the beach,
To watch stars, sea and sails.

Swimming at night,
Then trying to dry,
Looking at him -
What a great guy!

Out till early,
Almost all stars are gone,
When we go to bed,
Just to rise with the sun.

Starting all over,
With a new day,
I love down south,
What else can I say?

I guess...

2008-07-28T03:24:00.002-04:00

... i would have gone crazy if i had to live here all the time.

University of Michigan - Physics

2008-07-25T14:01:00.004-04:00

My mom just came up to me with a t-shirt. It said University of Michigan - Physics. I had it since 2003. Back then : 1. I had no clue I was going to go to U of M 2. I could never even suppose I would decide to study physics. I HATED it with passion. No kidding. I got this t-shirt when my High School Calculus class went on a field trip to Ann Arbor. We toured the school and got free t-shirts. I know it might all be just a conicidence. But as Einstein said "God does not play dice". I feel that I found my path. Like Carlos Castaneda calles it " a path with heart". I have never enjoyed learning about anything else, as much as I enjoy learning about Quantum Physics. Well maybe reading about Napoleon Bonaparte, but I think I can consider him my childhood crush (: So maybe I again see something because I look for it and it IS just a coincidence. Or maybe it really is my path with a heart, that I got to follow and I was just getting clues earlier. Who knows?

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe.

2008-07-25T08:32:00.005-04:00

Have you ever had a nightmare? You get fired from work, have a monster chasing you, or fall down from the skyscraper. At some point of time you get extremely scared and then - wake up. Why do you get scared though? Nothing can happen to you - you are laying in the comfort of your bed. However, while you are asleep you think everything you see is real. Now once you wake up you know everything is real. But didn't you think everything was real in your dream? Get it? Well maybe, just maybe our life is just a long complicated dream. Way more complicated than the dreams we see. Zigmund Freud wrote that our dreams are but a mirror of our subconcious, so what if the reality is nothing but a distorted mirror of our consious. All you the experiences your subconcious has during the day become a part of your dream. Therefore in a way everything you consiously think of, dream of, are afraid of, eventually comes true. The fact that life is just a dream is maybe the reason why Buddha called his enlightment the awakening, when he realised that there is undying happiness, attainable through human effort. Does it seem similar to your thoughts when you wake up from a nightmare and say "Oh, I am so glad it is just a dream". ? Now one main question here might be If it is MY dream, does it mean that everything is here only because I want it to be? What about other people? That gets a little complicated now. It is your dream, but other people are IN it also, so we all create the reality together. In other words - you can do anything you want as long as it won't make other people lose their mind. You can fly! But seriously - if you will jump of the roof of your house and start flying, it will damage other people's brains and their perception. So that is why you can't fly. [dont try] Now all I want to say to any, who had enough patience to read through that and though something like "omg this girl is crazy" - that is just one of the theories I have. There are many many more =] So maybe I AM crazy. Love, Me

About me.

2008-07-22T18:35:00.002-04:00

So just as one of my friends V, I got disappointed in the Facebook/Myspace type "About me" sections. Seriously, who reads them anyways? If I look at the profile of someone I don't know and their "about me" is more than 10 lines long, I don't read it. We have to admit it. Most of us (me included) are not that great of writers and reading somebody's attempts to be creative might be a little dreadfull, not gonna lie. I like reading "About me"'s of people I know well, regardless of quality and size. But then again, if I say that I know those people well, I should know by now the information they put in the public profile. So, obviously, I am not the audience this "About me" should be directed towards. You get the point. People who know you, know whatever you write in your "About me" even before you write ot. People who don't know you, probably won't have enough patience to read through your lengthy description of your personal qualities, fears and achievements, and the short "About me"'s aren't going tell them anything anyways. I guess I am overanalyzing everything again. I will write more later.

In case you are wondering...

2008-07-22T17:44:00.003-04:00

which you are not.

...but as I am bored and its 2 am I will write it here. The deal is - I finally figured EXACTLY what I want to do with my life.

So here is the brief plan:

-Next two years or so I will spend studying physics at the University of Michigan - Flint. I will be tutoring, doing some reasearch, and getting myself ready for GRE.

-Then I think I will get married to someone who will have similar interestt and will be my colleague throughout my research.

- Once I am done, I will go to Grad school. I am thinking West Coast, but that might change. I am going to study Quantum physics.

-My doctorate is going to be on the connection between quntum physics, philosophy and religion. I already have them all connected in my mind, I just don't have enough knowlendge to actually put it all in words.

-My dissertation will be the base of a book, I will write.

-Once I have my sweet PhD, I am going to start Teaching and doing research. I am going to work at CERN at some point of time and teach in some school in France.

- That is when me and my hubby decide to have kids.

-I am going to live in france for about 2 years.

-Eventually I am going to go to Nepal and live there for a while.

-I will travel aroud the world and teach.

-Eventually I will come back to US and then I will discover something a-mazing.

-When I am about 45 I will get a Nobel Prise. Maybe earlier.

Now I am only sure about the bold parts.

My summer.

2008-07-21T19:16:00.003-04:00

So as of recently my summer in Russia has been pretty good. No skydiving this time though - I am saving money. To be 100% honest though - I spent first two weeks here doing absolutely nothing. Like NOTHING AT ALL. Feels sorta weird. I got used to being busy and doing stuff. But it felt nice and was what I planned for. All I do here in hang out with my family, Lena and couple other friends. I feel too lazy to call anyone else and tell them, that I am here to hang out. After all I dont really miss any of them. I guess I always kind of knew I wasn't going to stay here in Russia for long, so I haven't even attempted to make any close friends over two years I lived here. So basically all people I see now are the friends I had back in Tashkent, who also moved to Moscow at some point of time. Lena and I as an example have been friends since we were eight. I have also met Gaiane and Roman back in Tashkent about five or six years ago. Lena was over at my house this weekend. And we spent pretty much the whole time talking. Oh I love talking to her. How cool is it to have someone continue your thoughts and think about the same exact things at the same exact moments. We talk about all different stuff, quantum physics, our old classmates, life in Russia and abroad, religions, pranks we played on teachers back in middle school, philosophy, the existence of god, good and evil, psychology, time, universe, dumb jokes, our friends, eh anything basically. This last week I stayed over at Lena's for few days. We watched "Down the Rabbit hole" and "The secret". These two movies together with the NOVA's "Elegant Universe" series, the book "TAO of Physics", which I am reading now, and my conversations with Lena and Anjan, finally helped me form my own view on the way world works. I mean I used to try to associate myself with a certain religion or philosophy. Throughout my childhood and teenagerhood I considered myself Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, Agnostic. Now I think that any predefined religion or philosophy does is nothing but putting mind in a cage and setting limits for it. Any human is perfectly capable of breaking this cage and setting his mind free. You don't have to be a buddhist to get to Nirvana and you dont have to worship all Hindu gods of you agree with some of their postulates. You dont have to be an atheist, if you don't agree with the Christian list of deadly sins. Just choose whatever you want to believe in, whatever makes sense to you and seems rational, because that is how you can achieve harmony with yourself. I am not going to write anything on what I believe in. Whatever makes sense to me might or might not make sense to everyone else. Just like when I say that my native city is Tashkent, Russia, people who know geography will try to correct me. I know that Tashkent isn't in Russia. But that is the way I feel. It makes sense to me and some of my friends I grew up with. That is the way we feel. But I digrass. Back to my summer. I am going to the black sea with my family and couple friends in few days and then, hopefully, I am going to Holland. Peace.

Let's go running.

2008-07-10T06:12:00.007-04:00

I want to run. Like we used to, remember? When we didnt care if we are the only people running outside in January. When I couldn't stop laughing, because you were making me. You would tell me that Burger King has the best Cinnamon rolls. Or we would discuss Harry Potter at length. You told me you hated running with passion and only ran because of me. Me too. I hate it also. I was only running because you were. Then we went to that little diner. You drove. You wouldn't ride with me after that time we went to Qdoba and I almost killed us. You ordered hashbrowns and I had a fruit salad. And we talked. You asked me who I liked. I told you. And I asked you not to tell him. And I knew you never would. I miss you. Let's go running.

i guess you will do

2008-07-09T12:15:00.001-04:00

i hardly ever watch videos online. But a friend sent me that and it sure captured my attention. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii-dVIYBVZ8

The perfect man.

2008-07-05T14:37:00.003-04:00

I found him.

Daniel Lavoie.

Discuss?...

2008-07-03T15:56:00.002-04:00

I like intelligent conversation. What I like to call discussion. What is supposed to be an exchange of opinions. I have a bunch of friends, who I like having those discussions with. It is fun. We talk, discuss and then everyone leaves feeling a little smarter. And it is great. But today, after talking to my father, I realised that I only have those kind of discussions with people who share the same opinion as me. And it goes like: -You know the Sun is yellow. -Yes, I agree, even though I think it is a bit white, but still more yellow. -Let me add that it is warm also. But yes of course it is yellow. -And it gives light and energy but it is also yellow. -Oh how interesting it is talking to you. -And you make a great conversation partner. Ew. Kind of sick isn't it? I think I might be a coward, but it happens very rarely, that I would have that kind of discussion with someone who thinks the sun is red. It would quickly become an argument and then maybe even a fight, depending on how strongly that person believes the sun is red. I hate fights. I am liberal, however I don't bring up that topic, when I am hanging out with a bunch of conservatives. I am not religious, but I would not argue the Big Bang theory, with a Catholic. No, that is not because I can't argue that. I just don't want to. Because I am afraid to hurt their feelings, to get in a fight, to spoil that nice friendly relationshop we have. Just felt like writing it out. Not that anyone will ever read that.

Poligamy.

2008-06-28T14:22:00.003-04:00

Say a word 'polygamy' to any sane European woman and you might see her become a violent monster, who might throw a rock at you and break your jaw with a swing of a fist, or at the very least scratch your eyes out. Well not really. But they will say that polygamy is wrong. Now let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves why? Why not?
Polygamy has been natural to humans since the beginning of ages and is natural for most mammals as well. It is the way things work, because man is capable of producing a large amount of semen every day, while a woman can bear only one ( 2 or 3 in rare cases ) child for 9 months. No. I am not trying to justify a man sleeping with every woman he can get. That is not right. What I am trying to look at are the Islamic countries, where a man is allowed to have up to four wives. He has to be able to support them all and treat all of them in the same way. And four women living together become the best of friends. They grow their children together, cook, clean, go shopping. But what about love, family, trust, commitment? Seriously? Let's look at any European or American family, with the income above average. How many husbands have never had an affair? Not too many. Once a man starts making ehough money to support his family, he is very likely to find someone else to take out to dinner. Not because he is unhappy at home with his wife, just because it is a man thing. He is proving to himself that he is a male. And getting females is what males do. I am not trying to be a cool one-of-the-guys kind of girl. After all it all doesn't apply to me much anyways. I am going to get my degree, teach in college, make my money and won't give a damn of how much my husband, if I will ever have one, will make. But if I had a choice of being a stay-at-home mom, with husband who makes enough money and cheats on me, or being one of four wives of some sheikh in Arabic Emirates, I would choose the latter.

Be happy :)

2008-06-16T22:28:00.006-04:00

"The purpose of living is to be happy and useful" - Dalai Lama. I found this quote while making a little scrapbook for Mindy to take back to Holland. That is the simplest thing I have ever read. Still it seems so true. So I felt like sharing :)

Birds of feather flock together?...or Opposites attract?

2008-06-09T17:39:00.009-04:00

He is from the city. She is a country girl. He is an atheist. She is a religious catholic. He is a chemical engineer. She started working right after high school. Do they have a chance? Or would they both be better off with someone, who is more like them? It depends on what are they looking for. Opposites do attract a lot stronger in the short term, however in the long run birds of feather are more likely to flock together.

Why is that? When two people meet and get to know each other, conversations between them always take place. Simply put, they talk. Taking to someone who shares similar interests and lifestyle as you, might not be as exciting as talking to someone, who is very unlike you. People like to try new things, and with someone who is different from you, there is a lot more chance to do it. After a while, however, it gets boring. All is discussed and new topics just aren't there. They don't read the same things, they don't watch the same TV shows, and they don't listen to the same kinds of music. That is when a lot of couples either break up, or get married.

Once marriage and “move-in- start-new-life” rush is done and talked over many times, there is a new choice: having a baby or getting a divorce. Babies tend to bond some families, because they give mommy and daddy things to talk about. However, once kids are old enough to make the conversation partners themselves, the chances of divorce increase again. Parents might still stay together though, “for the sake of children”. Then kids grow into adults and there is no reason for two people to be a couple anymore. Each decides to go his or her separate way, maybe regretting a little 20+ years of their lives. Some couples don’t get a divorce though, only because they don’t want to be old and lonely. Being old is usually enough.

Now let’s take a look at the couples, who do share similar values and interests. This kind of relationship is more likely to start off as a friendship, which might not bring a lot of excitement at first, however with time it gets more and more profound. They discover more things to discuss and gain more respect for each others views and opinions. And those are the kinds of couples, who fall in love a little more as each day goes by. Now, I am not an expert and all I wrote is based only on my personal observations, without any additional research. I might as well be wrong or that all might only apply to me. If you happen to read it and have an opinion on it, you would like to share, let me know.

A slice of pizza.

2008-06-06T08:28:00.010-04:00

To say that I didn't like physics in high school is to say nothing at all. I hated it with passion. It seemed to be the most useless and irrational science. "Why do they make us study it, if I will never use it anyway?" - I used to complain. All the physics books I had in my room slowly traveled over to my brother's, because I knew for sure I was never going to read any of them. Four years later I was a Computer Science student at University of Michigan - Flint, thinking about changing my major to Computer Information Systems, because CIS students did not have to take any physics classes, while CSC had to take two. However, with the help of my family and friends, I convinced myself, that changing my major because of two classes was not worth it and registering for the Fall 2007, I signed up for Physics 243 class, determined to get a 'C' in it and get it over with. It was a part time job. The one I had to pay for though. I did not have time to do anything. I did not have a life. I did not have time to eat or to sleep. I was at school morning till late evening and I hardly ever did anything else other than physics homework. First month I lost about 10 lbs. We called that a "physics diet". Dana, a girl I knew from calculus class, we took the semester before, told me about physics tutoring lab, where physics tutors Trevor, Shawn and Tim were helping students who struggled with homework. I went in there few times, but still would work on most things on my own, because I thought it was the most efficient way. Moreover physics lab was usually crowded and I get shy around people I don't know. The first week of October, I came across a particularly difficult problem which I was not able to figure out. So I overcame my shyness and went to ask Trevor for help. Physics lab was empty. A note on the board said that SPS was having a Pizza Party for all PHY 143 and 243 students in the Michigan Room. I had no idea what SPS was, however free pizza sounded appealing, so I went on a Michigan room finding quest. Few minutes of wandering around and asking random people about possible location of Michigan room - and I found it. Considering I am not a rude person, taking pizza and leaving was not an option. I grabbed a slice and went over the the table where Dana and Trevor were sitting.

"What is SPS, guys?" - I asked after the exchange of "hey's" and "How are you's?".
"Society of Physics Students. Do you want to join?"
"No, I am not a physics student. I don't even understand physics" , - the idea of me joining an organization that has the word 'physics' in its name sounded ridiculous. Dana, however did not give up:
"I am not a physics student either. SPS is fun though. And you can always quit if you won't like it".

She convinced me. After all what bad can it do to be in a club? That is how I became a member of SPS. Being a part of the organization made me come to the physics lab more often. Eventually I started working on homework there. I would try solving problems myself, ask tutors to explain things I did not understand, or, eventually, explain things I did understand to my classmates. And one day... it clicked. I could almost see a lightbulb turning on above my head. No, it wasn't the case that suddenly I could solve any problem. I just realized that physics was rational, and that it did explain how the world works. It was making more sense than ever. Moreover there was some kind of connection between me and most physics students. We think alike and I really enjoy our conversations. I spent the whole semester basically living in the lab and you may call me a nerd, but those were fun times. People I met through SPS became some of my best friends. I got an A+ in the class. Now I am a physics tutor also. I changed my major anyways. Not to Computer Information Systems though. I love the way it all turned out. Physics certainly isn't a piece of cake... but a slice of pizza sometimes helps =]

Don't look for something that isn't there.

2008-06-04T02:56:00.001-04:00

...just an advice. Mme. Germaine de Stale, who by the way, was the only woman Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of, because of her sharp mind and the different way to think, said "People will believe anything if they really want it to be true". I am not sure what circumstances that was said in, maybe some political games and interactions, maybe it was a comment dropped about some speech in front of the army, or maybe that quote was never actually said and is only accredited to her. Who knows. "Don't look for something that might not be there" That's an advice I would give to any girl who will ever read that, my daughter, if I ever have one, and myself. Before you decide that someone likes you, think about how much you want him to like you. If it is a lot, you might be fooling youself. He may smile at you, talk to you, or help you around - that only means that he is a nice guy, that he likes you as a friend, that he enjoys conversations with you. Be happy with that. He likes you as a person. Don't try to make something else out of it. You might end up losing a friend. Here is an extract from a conversation between two of my friends a while ago:

She: So how do you tell if a boy has a crush you?
He: If a boy has a crush on you, you won't have to tell. He will tell you.

So girls, don't try to guess. Just wait and see. =]

Eureka!

2008-06-02T22:08:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid I always thought Eureka was Archimedes' wife or maid and the reason he screamed the name was because he needed someone to mop the water. Here is a short essay on that. "Eureka!" - screamed Archimedes when the bathtub owerflowed as he stepped into it. Eureka came rushing into the room. Thanks Zeus, her husband wasn't hurt. They have been married for 30 years now and she knew how clumsy Archimedes could be. This time it looked like everything was fine. "What happened?" - she asked, - "You didn't stretch your back again or anything?" "No , no honey, I am alright. Can you please get me a mop?" Eureka looked at the floor and noticed water all over it: "How many times did I tell you not to fill the bathtub all the way up?" "But I like it when it is full." - Archemedes was trying to say something in his defense. "Haven't you ever noticed that if you put something in the water, the level of water goes up? Fill the crater with water and drop few apples in it!" - Eureka went to get a mop, thinking: "What a smart man, but sadly no common sense. Not at all..." ...cherchez la femme :)

Dear...

2008-06-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

" Dear ... I am sorry to tell you, but I got back together with my ex-girlfriend. You guys should meet. She is kinda like you except a little thinner. You will always be in my thoughts. ..." That is the card I got today for one of my friends. Signed with his name. I thought he might find use for it in the future. Good thing he has a sense of humor and also thought it was funny. I love these kind of cards. My friend Asinda got me a whole book of them and they make me laugh. "Dear ... I would tip you, but then you would actually think you are good at it" Isn't it so mean, but also so funny? This is the one I came up with for my lovely sis. Mindy: "Dear sister, Remember the time when you thought I tried to kill you and I said that I was just peeling an apple. Well, we were out of apples. Hope you don't mind Bunches of love, Anya"

Open mind vs Morals.

2008-06-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

Isn't it a little hard to be open minded and in the same time have morals? Think about it. Having morals a lot of times means sticking with some certain behavior. Suppose Joe Shmoe doesn't smoke. He doesn't do it because according to his morals smoking is bad. Doing bad things is wrong. The people who do wrong things are foolish. ( I know the logic here doesn't follow all the way, but bear with me for now). Now Dan does smoke. So according to Joe Dan is a foolish man. Joe just was really judgemental and certainly not open minded. If Joe was open minded, then we would say, that it is Dan's personal choice to smoke or not to smoke. Therefore Joe also would have the same choice. And if smoking doesn't make Dan a foolish man, it doesn't make Joe either. So Joe may as well take up smoking. Now he was open minded but didn't stick with his morals. Intuitevely a lot of us find that line of equilibrium. The ones who don't become ultra conservative or ultra liberal. I am trying to stay in the middle, but I tend to lean more towards liberal side.

Sisters.

2008-06-01T02:59:00.000-04:00

"If it will be a sister I will feed her with candy and cookies. If it will be a brother, I will feed him with onions and garlic." That is how a 3 year old me reacted to the fact that my mom was going to have a little one sometime soon. The he was born. My brother. My worst enemy and my best friend. I don't know how many times we fought and am really surprised that neither of us is dead yet. Now we finally get along. We laugh whenever we talk, I can tell him almost anything and he is pretty much the coolest brother one would want. However I wanted to tell about my little sister. Yes I got a sister. You didn't know that did you? Her name is Mindy and she is 17 years old. She is from Holland. And I am from Russia. But that's because our father traveled a lot. No. Just kidding. That is how we fooled quite a few people though. She is staying with the same family I was staying with up until I moved out on my own. So we started considering ourselves sisters. We are a lot alike actually. Seriously, how many people would want to stay up till 4 am talking about completely random stuff? Like fate, destiny, friendships. We also both are weird. But in a good way =] We look at the world through same lense. And she seems to understand me sometimes better than I can understand myself. Both of us are more into art than sports, and we love a lot of the same music. We have a thing for 1970 and probably would be hippies if we lived back then. One thing that sucks is that she has to go back to Holland in 3 weeks and I will miss her alot. On the bright side I am going to visit her over there in August =] Oh also I did my best trying to feed her with cookies and candies over this year.

idk...my bff Nat

2008-05-31T10:52:00.000-04:00

I met Natalya only about a year and a half ago and we became friends almost right away. She is great. The kind of friend that every girl needs, who will listen to complaints about boys being boys, laugh with me and at me, and be there for me when I need her. We are opposites of each other. In some ways. I mean we are alike in a way that we both are Russian, but other than that we are very different.

She is the most organised person I ever met. While I am the most disorganised.
She always has everything planned ahead, while I usually don't know what I am doing the next day.
She is married and doesn't want to ever have kids. I would rather have kids than marry.
She loves heels and classy things. I am more into boyish "I don't care what I look like" style of clothing.
She is very responsible. I am the very opposite.

We don't agree on a lot of things. But we make great friends nevertheless =]

I learned...

2008-05-29T18:40:00.002-04:00

Tim, Joey, Zach and I went out to get lunch at Jimmy Jones today at Grand Blanc. There was that poster on the wall named "I believe". I loved it.
I figured that all that I believe should be based on what I learned. Just because I try to be rational. So here is my list of what I learned. I might be adding more to it later on. As I learn.

I learned that true friendships will last no matter how long it has been and how far away you are.
I learned that if you take time to get to know people, you will find something great about everyone.
I learned that you will believe anything, if you really want it to be true. Most people will.
I learned that the hardest things in life have the best rewards.
I learned that you are not supposed to put regular soap in the dishwasher.
I learned that you have to step up and take chances.
I learned that family is always a family, not matter how far away you are.
I learned that posing for pictures is pointless. Best pictures capture the moment.
I learned that laughter is the best cure.
I learned that it is easier to learn to forgive others than to forgive yourself.
I learned that friendship is more difficult than love. Love can become jealous and possessive. Friendship is pure trust.
I learned that you cannot fit a lawnmower through the door, that is not as wide as lawnmower is.
I learned that even love unreturned has its own rainbow.
I learned that best friends are the ones you can sit with for an hour without saying a word. And it won't feel awkward.
I learned that if you understand that friends change you will not need to change friends.
I learned that writing is the best way to get your mind organized.
I learned that you gotta do what you love. And love what you do.
I learned that emotions are individual and you are never totally capable of understanding how someone else feels.
I learned that we are always responsible for own own actions and decisions we make.
I learned that 'forgive and forget' doesn't always work.
I learned that saying 'good bye' is so much easier when you know you will get to say 'hello' soon.
I learned that believing is more simple yet infinitely harder than understanding.
I learned that "every feeling you are showing is a boomerang you are throwing". And it will always get back at you.
I learned that you hardly ever miss places or people. You miss times that were had. With those people at those places.
I learned that hard work always pays off.
I learned that life was much easier when there was someone saying "NO. You are not allowed" ... however it is more fun now =]
I learned that braking using transmission works. But is far less effective than brakes.
I learned that if you don't report your hours, you don't get paid.

Love, even unreturned has its own rainbow.

2008-05-20T08:34:00.002-04:00

She is laying on the floor looking through photo albulms. Here it is. The photo of the man she loves and the man who loves her.

She smiles as she looks at a picture. She has never been that far in love before. He is that perfect man she has been looking for. The most handsome, the most intelligent, the most amazing man she has ever met. She loves everything about him. His smile, his voice, his eyes. She loves the way he talks, the way he writes, the way he thinks. Seems like him and her will never run out of things to talk about. She learned so much from this man and has had some of the best conversations of her life with him. And she knows there are more to come.

And he loves her. A lot. He finds her occasional dumb moments a little funny and he thinks she is smart. She likes the way he looks at her. He tells her that she looks pretty and he notices if she dyed her hair or got a new haircut. If he sees that she is sad, he is always trying to make her feel better. He is always there for her and is ready to help. He is the man she can count on and the man she could call at 2 in the morning just because she had a nightmare. And he wont be mad. He will think it is cute. Because he loves her. Ideal situation isn't it?

There is a problem with it though.

Select the space between the arrows:

->There are two men in the picture <-

Bravo, my friend!

2008-05-15T05:07:00.002-04:00

You want to talk,

Don't try too hard

It's just a play

You've played your part

And you did great

Bravo, my friend!

They seemed quite true

All things you said.

You've practiced many times

Those lines.

Please dont feel bad,

You know I'm fine.

I know next time

I might do better

Though I can't act

What does it matter?

The play is over

Curtains close

Now you should bow:

It's your applause.

Photography.

2008-04-23T06:12:00.000-04:00

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."Alan Cohen

Don't hold on to your past no matter how great it was. You can go back to the same exact place with the same exact people, and it will not be the same. We live in four dimensions, one of them being time, which changes the world every moment. And there IS power in this change. And the life IS this change, going from one moment to another.

There have been attempts to capture those moments for a very long time. Back in the Ancient Egypt people were carrying little bottles filled with pleasantly smelling oils with them. You would smell one of your bottles whenever something good would happen. And each time you wanted to go back to that moment you would smell it again.

Photography offered an amazing new way to conserve the moments, we want to remember. Take pictures, and each time you want to travel back in time, open up your photo album. Those are the moments you lived. Those are the moments you enjoyed.

...and it was said

2008-04-10T04:03:00.001-04:00

Quotes:

"Mindy, show me your underwear!!!" ~me
"...so are we going tanning tomorrow?" - me interrupting Mindy's speech on the purpose of life
"I am so happy I wasn't born without upper lip" ~Mindy
"Mindy! Why is our food standing here?" ~me
"It is not about you. It is about me. I don't like you"
"You are so irresponsible! If I were like that I would kill myself" ~Natalya
Jared looking at the sweater in the store: "...it's so ugly...made in Thailand...should've stayed there"
"I want to be a hippie. I want to be with friends in a field. With a guitar. I want to sing and dance all together. And pick flowers. Because that is what hippies did. And then all have sex.... But no." ~Mindy

Physics lab quotes:

-so let's talk about something smart. like plato. -playdough?
"I am your moral support and pervert coach..." ~Zach
"Do you want to be tired?" ~Trevor
Me: Why are chinese kids so smart? Mike: They are not. There are just more of them.
You have to tell kids there is God. It is like easter bunny or tooth fairy. ~Mike
You know when squirrels get mad and have mouth full of nuts... ~ Zach
Integrate the shit out of it. ~ Mike
What's wrong with sex. FCC doesn't bleep it so it is OBVIOUSLY good. ~ Richard
This is Mark. He is my Helpdesk. ~Me
She (Dr. Tu) wants to fight you with math. ~Shaun
I am going to get you so drunk, I am going to have a hangover. ~Trevor
What the flux is that? ~ Jamie
Don't be a farmer. ~Paul
Integrate that hoe. ~Paul
Me: Would you like candy? Barry: Is a frog's ass water tight?
Trevor: Why isn't there no garbage can? Coffee shop lady: Well usually when people order coffee to go. They GO. Trevor: Touche...
Dana: I think we will need a little break once we get there. Anjan: To get some coffee? Dana: To get rid of some coffee.
Me: So what happens to people who drop out of high school? Dana: Well that is where your fast food comes from.

Perfect man...

2008-02-04T16:11:00.001-05:00

... makes enough money, so I could do the job I enjoy.
... knows how to cook
... doesn't have much time to cook, but when he does cook - it is deeelicious.
... always dressed nicely
... likes to clean
... is smarter than me
... doesn't exist

He is IMAGINARY. But it is fun to imagine him. (:

love or hate ?

2008-02-01T17:06:00.001-05:00

Love/hate In Russia we have a saying : There is one step from love to hate. Never thought it was so true. The same qualities in the same person may trigger completely different feelings, depending on whether we like them or dislike them. Like:

outgoing (loud),
funny (obnoxious),
sexy (obsessed with sex),
laid-back (lazy),
sarcastic (mean).

Each one of us has two sides to their personality. There are no totally good people or totally bad people. It is just what you see. But seriously, would you rather meet a guy who is outgoing, funny, sexy, laid-back and sarcastic, or someone who is loud, obnoxious, obsessed with sex, lazy and mean? As funny as it is, that might be the same person. :\

Friends all around you =]

2008-01-27T02:38:00.000-05:00

My sister came home after visiting Detroit Autoshow today with few foreign exchange students. After telling us about the cars she saw, their walk around Detroit, how warm it was inside and how freezing cold it was outside she added: - Jessie and I talked for two hours on the way home. I am going to call her tomorrow and we will hang out. Jessie is an exchange student from Germany. Mindy has known her almost since the beginning of the school year. However they never talked to each other before. We all have so many potential friends around and sometimes all we need is just a little conversation to actually get the friendship going and make each other's lifes a little better. I gained few new friendships lately and as I look back I regret I haven't become friends with these people earlier. I had a class with Dana in Winter 07. We had D'Souza's Calc 2 together. We talked a little, but never actually had time to get to know each other better. In Fall 07 we had Linear Algebra and were both Society of Physics Students secretaries, which made us a bit closer, however only after going to Florida I basically realized how much we do have in common and we finally became friends. And I have known her for a YEAR. Zachary was in two of my classes in Fall 2007. We knew each other, however we never talked. It took one day of studying for physics and linear algebra together for me to see that he is fun and that we should be friends. Now we are :) However last semester would have been more fun, if only we talked on the first day of classes. Anjan was in my Linear Algebra class. Once again I knew who he was, however I was always a little intimidated to talk to him. It took us an hour to make a huge pile of pancakes for breakfast in Florida and to get to know each other. One hour. And we could have been friends for over a semester now. It is all about taking your time to get to know people around you. Don't take being shy for being stuck up. Some friendships do come naturally: you meet this special person and you feel like you have known them forever right away. However some friendships need a little push, a little force applied, if you will, to get going. Don't wait to apply this force. Talk to people, get to know them and try to see a friend in everyone you meet :) Hope you guys don't mind I talked about you in my little journal thingy. I am really glad I got to become friends with each one of you and wish we became friends earlier:) And sorry for getting nerdy in the end, however it was the best analogy I could think of.

WWSD

2008-01-15T03:23:00.001-05:00

I spent a significant amount of my life over the past year in the MSB 217. aka Physics tutoring lab.

So I came up with that one night when I was bored: You are taking physics if...
* ... you know who Trevor, Shawn and Tim are
* ... you know about the candy bowl and you know who broke it
* ... you ever came in the MSB 217 just to get free candy
* ... you are familiar with WWSD ( What would Shawn Do ) strategy for solving physics problems, which is way more efficient than STAR
* ... green checkmarks make you happy
* ... you know who Bearded man is
* ... you know where you can find the slowest computers on campus
* ... you ever considered a "physics room campout" before the exam
* ... you see people from your class more than your family
* ... you have your name on the "Quote of the day" poster
* ... you ever refered to MSB 217 as "second home"
* ... you hate physics with a passion
* ... you love physics with a passion
* ... you know that it is impossible to study in the Physics lab, yet that is where you do your homework for most of your classes
* ... you ever did your physics homework using Warren's excel spreadsheet
* ... you have been tempted to try on the Expanding Universe. And probably couldn't resist the temptation.
* ... you know that if you have to go Dr. Grafe's office to ask a question, you better go at least an hour before your next class... but you will be late anyways.
* ... you know that you will almost have a minor in archery by the time you are done with your physics requirements
* ... you managed to put all of the homework problems on a 3x5 notecard
* ... you had been to a physics pizza party in the lab
* ... you leave notes for other people on the black board
* ... you know where all those trays, piled up by the door came from
* ... you dislike people wo never do homework and come to the lab to get the answers
* ... you never do homework and just come to the lab to get the answers
* ... you ever got a problem right without even having to read it
* ... you know that if you are doing homework by yourself, you have 5 attempts, if you are doing it with a friend you have 10 attempts, if you are doing it in the lab you have 20+ attempts
* ... you ever ate breakfast, lunch and dinner in the MSB 217
* ... you can finish the phrase "Bad Boys..."
* ... you have been present or heard the story about hate being a strong word. haha
* ... you know that if it smells like coffee...
* ... you remember how physics lab got its own microwave and coffee maker.
* ... you leave all your stuff there, because someone will sure 'look after it'.

When all is said and done...

2007-09-15T05:54:00.001-04:00

Here's to us one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

ABBA <3 <3 <3

Summer '07

2007-09-01T04:45:00.000-04:00

Rocked!

Mackinac island trip.
Japanese restaurants.
Tennis, swimming, shopping!
Not being a teenager anymore!
Going to the campground after work.
Pedalboating.
Cedar Point with Montrose crew and Natalya.
Staying in NY for 3 days with Akiko.
My auntie and uncle and cousins.
Super Nintendo tournament with my lovely brother.
Moscow evenings.
Hookah with all old friends.
Skydiving with Lena.
Saint Petersbourg trip with Lena and Roma.
Absent.
Prank phone calls in the middle of the night.
Chicago.
Vancouver trip.
Californian soulmate.
Hiking Grouse mountain!
Camping by the nuclear plant!!!
New York trip with Natalya.

it was amazzzing.

much love to all participants.

nice and cute

2007-06-14T02:47:00.001-04:00

So this boy is very nice and cute and there is a chance I might even like him. ... eventually. maybe. probably. not.
I want a man who I will be able to talk to about anything. Who would always be able to give a good advice. Who would like me not because what I look like, but because of what I think like. Who would be able to be funny or serious. Who would be interested in literature, philosophy, math, science, history, art. Who would be able to talk about french revolution, purpose of life, calculus, or discuss Van Gogh's art. Who would teach me something new. meh. They don't come as perfect as that. But I don't want to settle for nice and cute. After all I am not looking for a puppy or kitten :) Anyways no one is ever going to read it, but in case someone does: If you by any chance know a man who remotely might qualify, send him my way please.